Are you still there?
by Hellopipu
Summary: "Why? Why does it have to be this way? Why can't we all be together again? Two weeks ago, I didn't only lose one brother. I lost two." The death of a family member has taken its toll on the whole family, particularly on a certain turtle brother.


**Author's Note: Hello everybody! I had this idea crawling in my mind, and finally decided to actually write it! This does not mean I have abandoned my other story Notebooks, it will also be updated soon. Also, I need to warn you that this may be a little confusing, but everything will clear up in the next chapter.**

 _Are you still there?_

 _Chapter one_

It's a rather calm morning. No one else is awake yet. I am in the kitchen, struggling to keep my eyes open. No turtle has been able to sleep well (if at all) after the latest incidents.

My older brother's behaviour has me particularly worried. He shouldn't be acting this way. It is not normal. I want to help him but don't know how. Not only do I have to deal with my own pain, but also with the pain my brother causes me. Purely seeing him hurts me so much because I am reminded of how I wasn't there for my brothers when they needed me to.

I shouldn't forget about little Mikey too. He is not coping with all that has happened very well and the older's behavior is definitely not helping. Not that I blame him or anything. If I didn't have to stay sane for my brothers, I might as well have let myself collapse.

My thoughts are interrupted by someone entering the kitchen. I look up and my eyes meet the red masked one's.

How should I act around him?

"Good morning bro, what's up?"

The other looks around.

"Mikey not up yet?"

"Apparently not. Want some coffee?"

"Never liked that shit too much."

My stomach clenches. I hate it when the older swears. It just feels so... weird.

Mikey enters the room, saving me from the awkwardness of the situation.

"Hey..."

I immediately spot the black circles around the youngest's eyes.

Does he still have nightmares?

His eyes are slightly red.

Was he crying again?

"Donnie? Do you hear me bro? I asked you if... Never mind, did you even sleep at all?"

"Yes, a little."

That was a lie.

"And what kept you up?" Mikey asks.

"I was researching"

That wasn't a lie. I had indeed stayed up all night because I was conducting a research. Not about some new experiment or anything. I was researching about my brother's condition. I wanted to know how I should approach him without causing any more harm.

Nothing helped. Every single article said that at this state you should "seek medical help or consult with a therapist as soon as possible". Like that's an option when you're a giant mutant turtle.

"What's with the starin?"

I jerk up.

"Sorry, I just zoned out a little."

"Anyway, I'm heading up to my room again. If you need me, don't come, for your own safety."

The sai wielder gets up and leaves.

Me and Mikey continue eating silently.

"Hey..." I start, "How are you feeling?"

"How am I supposed to be feeling?" Mikey asks a little too aggressively.

"You know I'll always be here if you need me."

Mikey's face hardens.

"No you won't. You know why? That's what he would always say, and look! He's no longer here, he's gone, and now that he can't be here I want him, I need him the most..."

I can almost feel my heart cracking.

How am I supposed to respond to that?

"Anyway..." Mikey continues, his voice a little unsteady "...what are we going to do about..."

"I don't know." I cut him off.

"There must be something we can do to help..."

"I said I don't know, Mikey."

"Maybe if we..."

"Don't ask me cause I don't have an answer."

"Then find one!"

"I'm trying!"

"Then try harder!"

"Try harder!? It's so easy to say when you aren't trying at all!"

"I am!"

"Oh, and I thought you had lost your sense of humor lately! Weren't you to busy sulking to see what's going on besides your "Boohoo I am so miserable"? Our brothers need you too and you weren't there for one, can't you at least be there for the other?"

"Donnie, don't you dare..."

"What? Did I hit some nerve?"

"Donnie shut up or I swear I will..."

"Do whatever you want! It will be at least some improvement from doing absolutely nothing!"

"Why don't you get it Donnie? I've already lost a brother! I don't want to lose another one!"

Those words calmed the burning rage inside me.

"Mikey, I..."

"Leave me alone Donnie. If you think that I am too selfish to care about what has remained of my family, then leave me alone."

* * *

Congrats Donnie, you screwed up again! Why did I let my anger get the best of me? Why did I even get angry? I knew that Mikey's reactions would be unusual! I knew I had to stay calm and try to **help** him. And now I just messed up. Mikey won't want to be around me anymore.

But it's just... only trying to mention our older brother made something snap inside me. And Mikey accusing me of not trying hard enough was the final blow.

I try! I try hard! As hard as I can! I research and observe and reresearch all the time! I give all I have in order to help my brothers! Don't I?

If I do, why is it not enough?

Maybe it is what I read in one of the countless articles I encoutered. That you can't help someone's issues unless you have your own issues fixed.

But I can't afford focusing on myself while my two other brothers are suffering. Especially when for the older one, time is too precious to be wasted on my own mental health. As long as my brothers are OK, I will be fine too.

* * *

Casey just texted me he's coming over. For the first time after... it happened. How long has it been? He's probably not doing too well, but at least now he feels good enough to come and see us.

I wonder how April's been doing.

I mean the two of them weren't particularly close, but we still all are a family. When one of us falls, we all grieve. Just like if anything were to happen to April, all of us would be devastated.

She has been contacting me, she didn't isolate herself like Casey. But she too, hasn't come here after that night. I am worried about her. I'll ask Casey if he knows more.

Why do I suddenly have to take care of everyone?

"Hey guys, I'm here!" I hear Casey's familiar voice.

On the sound of it, both my brothers get out of their rooms and go to greet him.

"Hey Case, what's up?" I hear my red banded brother say.

Casey widens his eyes and stares at him for a few seconds. He turns to me with a puzzled look on his face and asks:

"What's wrong with him?"

Then it hits me.

Casey doesn't know. He doesn't know what has been going on lately here. He doesn't know how we are coping with this. How my older brother is coping with this.

Stupid me.

 **I should have expected that. I should have prevented that**.

Now Casey has to go through the pain of seeing... that.

Mikey probably realized i needed to explain the situation to Casey, cause he turns to the our older brother and says:

"Um... Raph? Can I show you something cool?"

The other turns to Casey apologetically and follows the youngest to the living room.

Casey demands some explanations.

"What was that?" he requests.

"He is not dealing with this very well..."

"I can see that." he replies sharply. He can't stand mentioning... it.

"It's his own way of denial. At the beggining, most people refuse to accept what has happened. Denial is like a psychological barrier, to protect one's self from the pain of accepting what has happened. This is obviously his way of trying to act like nothing ever happened..."

Casey narrows his eyes. He puts a hand on my shoulder, and asks softly:

"It's hurting you, isn't it?"

That was nothing like I expected to hear.

"It doesn't matter. I have to help him, nonetheless."

"Splinter couldn't have picked a worse time to be away."

"I know. He wasn't even here at the funeral. And when he comes he'll expect to be greeted by four sons, but only three will be there..."

My eyes were tearing up, so Casey quickly changed the subject.

"Anyway, how should I act around...?" he asks, moving his head towards my older brother's direction.

"Just act like you would if he was..."

"Gotcha."

* * *

"Hey... Raph! You wanna go bust some heads?"

"Hell yeah! I was wondering when you were gonna ask."

I don't know if this is gonna help my brother but going out is definitely not going to hurt him. And Casey said he's gonna be extra careful so that I wouldn't have to worry.

I sent Mikey to get some supplies. He hasn't gone topside after our brother... left... so some fresh air is definitely going to benefit him.

For the first ever since, I am alone in the lair.

It feels weird. The lair has been quiet ever since our number was reduced to three. But I was always comforted by my brothers' presence.

For the first time in weeks, I am truly alone.

I wander around the lair, my thoughts flying at different directions. I suddenly stop in front of my hot-headed brother's room.

Should I get in? I want to. I feel like I need to. It will help me. I need to get in there.

But how will my older brother react if he finds me in there?

Well I do have a lot of time. They only left 20 minutes ago or so. I can stay there for hours if I want to.

I push the door. Dang it. It's locked.

As I should have expected.

So I reluctantly get inside my eldest brother's room.

 **Leo's**.

Why? Why does it have to be this way? Why can't we all be together again? Two weeks ago, I didn't only lose one brother.

 **I lost two.**

The first one left forever. The second, too deep in his endless circle of confusion and guilt, let himself fall and got completely lost. And although he won't accept it...

 **He's gone**.

And I'm afraid that he too, may be gone forever.

Leo... Please. Come back to us. We need you. I need you. Ever since you've been gone, everything has collapsed. We can't work as a team without you. We need our leader. No. We need our Leo. I miss you. It hurts me so much, so can't you just see it and come back to us...?

Think of Master Splinter. How will he react when he comes back and sees...

I want to see you again. I want to talk to you again. I want you to be here with us, is it too much to ask?

I'm sure that you are still somewhere. That from somewhere, you can see what is happening and really want to help. But where are you? I can't get you out of there, no one can. And I hate myself for it.

I'm talking to myself again, am I not? But ever since that night, it seems to be the best option I have. Before, I could talk to Mikey, or Leo. I could even talk to Raph but now...

Raph. I'm sorry. Sorry I couldn't help you. Sorry all I could do was watch you fall. I want you back, I need you back, but I know I can't bring you back. I am a failure. That gravestone is living proof of that, don't you agree?

You don't know what I would give for just one last smile of yours. You never smiled often but when you did it was an honest, a sincere smile. And now I will never see one on your face anymore...

It's also dragged Mikey really down. You know, he had always admired you, so it was really hard for him to see you like...

Anyway. I'm getting too emotional here, and Mikey will be here soon. I don't want him to see me like this. Also, I don't know know how my other brother would react if he found me here. And I don't want to find out.

* * *

Everyone is asleep. Probably. I'm definitely not. Again.

They all returned home safely and on time. Thank God Casey kept his word.

I couldn't say how going out with Casey affected him. I mean he did **seem** happier. But isn't this what he's been trying to do all this time? To force himself to be happy? Even in the most unhealthy way?

I get up to go to bed. A figure is staring at me from the door. I immediately take a defensive stance, but suddenly recognize the familiar figure of my father.

"Sensei!" I shout and rush to his side. He embraces me with a much needed hug. He smiles, glances at me and says:

"Donatello, my son. I was not expecting you to be up this late. Is something troubling you?"

Yes Sensei, a lot is troubling me! You are finally here and you will fix everything, you will fix our family, right?

My eyes are getting teary, so I take a second to calm myself, before speaking.

"S..sensei... There's something... I have to tell you... about L..eo and... Raph..."

My father's eyes narrow. I try to open my mouth, to get myself to say it...

Only to be interrupted by my red banded brother who suddenly opens the door.

Everything was happening in slow motion. I watch my brother's eyes widen in surprise, and my father's eyes widen in horror. I don't know how much time passed, before my father was finally able to open his mouth and say:

" **Leonardo?"**

* * *

 **So that was it! What do you think? If you are confused, keep in mind that everything will be explained in the next chapter. Thanks a lot for reading! Reviews would be very encouraging!**


End file.
